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Why Am I Jealous of Her?

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  • Why Am I Jealous of Her?

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    From A Male Salsero who is perplexed at HIM"SELF"...

    "Dear Edie,
    The Bottom Line is this:
    I don't want her dancing with other guys,
    but I want to be able to dance with any woman I want.

    If I am going out dancing Salsa all the time, perfecting my craft, and really getting good at it - how can I find the woman of my dreams in the Salsa scene if that is what SHE is doing as well?

    I mean, to get good you HAVE to dance with many different people to perfect your lead and follow, but I can't help but get jealous of who she dances with.

    What I'm realizing, is that I would be upset if she was jealous of "me" dancing with other women!!

    I know that what I'm saying is completely ridiculous but that is the simple truth of "exactly" how I feel. I know for a fact that I am NOT alone in this thought. Last girlfriend I had, I asked her to stay home while I went out dancing. I wanted to go alone, and for her to stay home. When I step outside my "self" and look at this... I just can't help it. I wanted her, but I didn't want her in the arms of someone else!! We're no longer together.

    I know what you're thinking... and I completely agree but I can't help it and I don't understand why.

    Wow. I can't believe I just wrote all this to you.

    Desperately looking for answers. "

    - Perplexed.


    Dear "Perplexed",
    I'd like to open this up to our readers to study, analyze and answer his question.
    Please post your comments below. (you must register above)

    - Edie, The Salsa FREAK!!

    • jacquesho
      #1
      jacquesho commented
      Editing a comment
      Hi Edie,

      This quickly reminded me of a hard lesson I learned in the past couple of years...and Salsa was one of the contributing factors. I could be spot on with respect to what's going on with the Salsero who wrote in, or I could be embarassingly off the mark - but hopefully it'll help in some way, shape or form.

      I had started Tae Kwon Do when I was 8 years old, and when I left it at age 11, I really missed it. When I was 17, I began studying Shaolin Kung Fu, and continued studying & training for the following 7 years. I was one of the most consistent students in terms of attendance and dedication. But for some reason, I wasn't growing as fast as I would have liked, I didn't feel the deepest level of fulfillment after training, and something inside of me just didn't feel like it was how things were supposed to be. In 2004 when I went back to school, I "took a break" from training when I first went back to college...and I ended up never going back.

      After all of that, why didn't I...?!

      Well, after growing up, venturing out into the world, and discovering the joy of the amazing shared experience that is Salsa, I eventually figured it out.

      I was infatuated with the idea, as well as the status, of being a martial artist.

      This doesn't mean that I wasn't applying it to my life in terms of the personal wellness & health benefits as well as self defense, but my main, subconscious purpose was an ego-based reason.

      Fast forward to Salsa - my experience on the dance floor skyrocketed when I figured out that it was about sharing an awesome three minutes with a woman who shared my passion for dance. It wasn't about me going out there and being a badass lead (although it certainly doesn't hurt). In addition to that - now that I'm in a relationship with a lovely woman, we've also had many conversations about how Salsa can be a breeding ground for drama because not everyone can draw distinct lines between being passionate on the floor in the spirit of the dance itself and people misinterpreting it as "why were you getting so hot and heavy with so and so over there??". (This could have been either one of us in the relationship, or another Salsero/Salsera misinterpreting our passion.) The bottom line for us is that we know who we are and were we stand with each other in the spirit of trust, respect and honor, so we have no issues in this area.

      When it comes to dancing with other people, I know that I get challenged when I dance with many women. I also know that I LOVE to dance with my girlfriend, because she still makes me blush on the dance floor. (Yep, she does...hehehe.) But I also know that we go dancing to share the enjoyment of Salsa itself. It isn't about status, ego, or who owns the floor. Because of this, I completely encourage her to dance with others, for 2 reasons:

      1. She doesn't get used to dancing with me.
      2. She'll get challenged the same way, and will dance with a new fire once she gets back to me. (Not only will she get better, but also because we gave each other the gift of missing the other person.)

      For the Salsero who wrote in, I'd suggest that he ask himself what his ultimate purpose is. Does he want to share the spirit of Salsa with others? Or is it about control and owning everything in his life, including his ability as a lead as well as his girlfriend? If he answers "yes" to the 2nd question, then it may be helpful to have a shift in perspective - care for her as a person, which includes anything that feeds her heart and soul - especially Salsa.

      Bottom line is that there's no way for any of us to know what's in his mind and his heart - which means that no one can discover the answer to this question other than himself. If he is deeply honest with himself about what's going on, then he will find it. I wish him luck! :-)

      Jacques

    • ediester
      #2
      ediester commented
      Editing a comment
      I completely agree. I think he has some "control" and "fear of loss" issues. He can AND SHOULD use Salsa to learn how to "Let Go" and trust women more.

      Salsa can be used to heal your past. It is also a tool to help you understand things about yourself that you never realized before. I'll bet when he looked at his email ... he probably got a "wake up call" about himself and discovered something about himself that he "knew" needed work.

      A lot of us don't even realize how controlling or passive we are until we are thrown in the face of Salsa. The psychology of this dance never ceases to amaze me.

      Learning the Art of dancing Salsa helped me understand why I did certain things to sabotage my own relationships in the past: Why I was only attracted to Players for the longest time, and why I kept repeating the same mistakes over and over again in my relationships.

      When I discovered that yes, dancing Salsa "is" about sharing the simple "joy" of movement through music, I couldn't stop. I wanted to share that joy - but how dare I prohibit / inhibit the one I loved the most to experience the same.

      When I was "truly" in love, there was nothing I loved more than to see him dance with other women, loving every minute of it - because I "knew" what he was feeling. I "Let Go" of the fear of losing him, and I truly enjoyed the joy he was experiencing.

      I hope that one day, Mr. Perplexed will understand this pure and simple... "Joy".

      - Edie
      Last edited by ediester; 09-13-2012, 08:44 PM.
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