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  • Jealousy

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    "Dear Edie,
    I read your response to "Just Trying to Help" concerning his jealous partner. The same thing happened to me except I was the jealous one.

    My EX-fiance is a dance instructor and has been dancing for many years. I on the other hand am new to the dance scene. I really love it and am addicted to Salsa. However, I am not very good...yet.

    When we started going out we would go to the clubs together and dance all night and have a great time. Then I noticed that he started looking bored during our dances and he would comment about how great this or that girl dances. Eventually, he started to complain about why I couldn't get the beat and why I keep messing up the same step.

    He started going out by himself and it drove me nuts. We broke up.

    Since I continued dancing after we broke up I am starting to realize now how it feels to dance with someone who is not quite at your's frustrating. I am concentrating now on recognizing and counting the beat in songs. (I still have a lot of trouble)

    I have two questions:

    Do you have any advice on recognizing the rhythm of the song and getting on beat ?

    Do you have any advice on what I could do to get my relationship back and control those horrible jealous feelings when I see him dancing with someone who's a lot better than me?
    "- Green-eyed Monster"

    Dear Green-Eyed Monster,
    Here is a Timing CD on how to find the rhythm of Salsa. I highly recommend it.

    Now to your next question. If he was your dance instructor, and you're a having problems with rhythm, your relationship was over before it even started. Nine times out of ten, the relationship between a student and their dance instructor eventually ends. There are exceptions, but this is what usually happens. Let me explain.

    The student will have a very difficult time living up to the dance instructor's expectations. Why? Because the instructor is always in "teaching" mode. That's what they do. They teach, correct problems, and give advice. Since this is what they "do for a living", you'll have to put up with him/her correcting you throughout your entire relationship. If you can live with that, more power to you. Most dance instructors strive for perfection - they have to look good at all times. They're subconsiously critiqing themselves in that mirror every day, and since you're their student, as well as their lover, YOU must look good as well - or better than his other students. The worst fear an instructor has is to have one of their students dance horribly, and the student bragging that "so and so" was their teacher.

    Another very important thing to remember is that at one point or another in their lives, they have danced with "the best of the best", and that the feeling that is generated from that is very difficult to replicate with a student or lover that isn't at that calibur.

    You see, when we dance, we give up a part of ourselves to our partner. As a woman, you give up your control over the relationship, and become vulnerable to his every whim (move). You must follow his lead - no question. Sure you can add your own style, and be free during free-styling, but when partner dancing, you submit. If he's a phenominal lead and puts you in powerful moves that feel like soft silk, subconsiously, you, as a woman feel his strength, his masculinity, and his softness all at one time. It's alot like making love. The masculinity he projects during dancing and making love, makes you feel like you're being physically handled well, protected, and nurtured throughout the experience. He can help you feel sensual, erotic and loved. Combine an excellent dancer / instructor with Musicality, and you get a formula close to the sweet rush of an orgasm - but lasting longer. That is why Salsa partner dancing can be so... xxx.

    You must also consider the submissive role a woman plays in partner dancing, and how that makes a man feel. In this day and age, with the heading strong and pretty much leading the pack, men have a hard time figuring out where they "fit in" in their relationships with woman - whether it be a co-worker, a boss, or even a date. When he danced with "the best", she felt like butter in his hands; so maneuverable, so smooth, so easy to lead, etc. Transfer that to a relationship with you now, and not only will the dancing be an issue, but it will spill over into your physical relationship as well. The reality is, nine times out of ten, if the chemistry between the both of you when you're dancing isn't great, the relationship and sex won't be great either. That's just the way it is.

    I don't really think you should try to salvage your relationship. The same thing will happen again later on - in time. He'll find another student or dance partner one day that is smooth as silk, and an amazing dancer, and you will have to live with it.

    Am I saying that instructors are doomed to be single? Not at all. World-famous dance instructor couples like from New York and from Los Angeles are still together. Both couples were each other's favorite partner to begin with, and have beautiful children in addition to teaching dance for a living. What I AM saying is that if you aren't "that amazing" dancer for him, then let him go, first from your heart, then from your mind. Emotionally detach yourself. This is the only way you'll get over your jealousy. Jealousy is your own worst enemy. Don't let it destroy your mind, and eventually your body. It is a poison worse than venum. It kills the spirit, and eventually starts to wear on the body. You go grey and wrinkled quicker, lines start appearing everywhere, you may gain or abnormally, and look physically ill. You won't be very much fun to be around. Erase him from your mind. Get out. Meet other dancers, make more friends, occupy your time and your mind with fun activities involving people. Love is hard to let go, but let this one go my friend. For your own good. You'll thank me in the long run...

    Good luck to you.
    - Edie, The Salsa FREAK!!
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