The Player - Defined
"Dear Edie..." Question Twenty-Seven

"Dear Edie,
OK. I'm pissed. Players are reeking HAVOC on the female race. So I go to a Salsa event [a while ago], and see this guy. He's got a beautiful girlfriend at [home], pregnant, and I see him fooling around with another women at the event. She's got her head on his shoulders, he's got his arm around her, he's sitting next to her on the bus, I see them going to his/her room at the hotel. What do I do? Should I tell his girlfriend, or just ignore it? I feel so bad for his girlfriend, and my respect for this guy just flew out the window. The problem is , that this guy is a very prominent instructor in the [city][ area. Everyone loves him. He's a very likeable guy. I can't even believe this. He just thinks he has reign over women, cuz he can get whoever he wants, with or without a girlfriend at home. Why isn't he just satisfied with what he has at home, I mean, his girlfriend at home is beautiful, and the girl he was with at the event couldn't even hold a candle to her. What's wrong with this picture? What should I do? I feel I should do something, but then part of me just wants to look the other way. If I look the other way, he won't stop. What can I do?
- Pissed Off at this Player"

Dear Pissed Off,
I can completely relate to what you're going through. I would be infuriated at him as well, and because of my own experiences through the years, I would be even more pissed off than you. If this type of behavior bothers you that much, and you feel you absolutely must do something, the best thing you can do is to pull him aside, buy him a drink, and talk to him DIRECTLY, alone. Don't talk to her yet. Talk to him first. Then, if that doesn't work, go with a friend, and talk to him as a team. Confront him face to face, let him know you see/saw what he's doing, and where there's smoke, there's fire, and it doesn't look very "cool" right now, to you and everyone else who is witnessing his terrible behavior.

No matter what he says to you, be prepared for lie after lie. One after another they'll coming rolling off his tongue, straight out of his mouth. Players are damn good at it. They lie so much they start believing their own lies, and eventually won't even be able to tell the difference between reality and the truth anymore. They will absolutely convince themselves in their minds that they've done nothing wrong, and will literally ERASE the situation / reality in their minds. They will start telling their own twisted "version" of the story so much to the point of where they could say it in their sleep.

Unless you have photographs, you will never be able to prove their actions to anyone. Their lies are that convincing.

They will even make you feel sorry for them!!!
I don't know how they do it, but when they know they messed up, they have a way with words and actions where you actually start feeling bad for them, and having compassion for them! I've witnessed it first-hand. It's quite remarkable how they do this. The words they choose, and the way they say them is extraordinary. I must say, it's a fascinating study of human behavior and manipulation.

Another unfortunate thing is that Players often don't see or realize a good thing when they have it. They take for granted what they have at home, or are given them, and start getting greedy, selfish, and egotistical. They have an insurmountable need to feel needed and wanted by any willing woman who doesn't know, or doesn't want to know about their current girlfriends or wives at home. They have an insatiable need to constantly feed their egos, are very easily bored, and are NEVER satisfied.

Trails of broken hearts follow Players, wherever they go. Unfortunately, like the poor, they will always be with us. Let me tell you why.

I blame their mothers who spoiled them rotten growing up.

Usually, Players have excellent relationships with their mothers, who, incidentally, will also lie and cover for them for them if necessary later on in life. Because of the way they were raised, their thirst for female attention is unbelievable. The way their mothers babied them, kissed them, loved them, caressed them, held them so close... develops an addiction to female affection like you would not believe. More often than not, Players had bad influences from their Player fathers, uncles, or brothers during their childhood, and have those types of influences as their only male role models for their current behavior. 99% of the time, like father, like son.

If the Player is a great dancer, the situation is magnified, and women don't care. Women will literally trip over themselves to be with them whether they have a girlfriend/wife or not. They will even go out of their way to secretly meet with them, have an affair, and will stop at nothing to conquer this man. After a few weeks, (or days) the Player will then cheat on the woman he's cheating with! What's incredible is that these women will actually get jealous over other women at clubs, but never over his girlfriend or wife at home.

So, my Pissed Off friend, take my advice, and confront him first, if he still doesn't want to listen, or continues to twist the story around into a web of lies, confront him with a friend, if that doesn't work, tell him the following verse from Proverbs,
"As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend."
- Proverbs 27:17

If he still continues to lie, deceit and cheat, grab a friend of yours who also knows what's going on, and go tell his girlfriend together. Then, disassociate yourself from him completely. Remember, we are the books we read, and the people we hang around with.

Advice to Ladies Who Dance with Players...
Just DANCE with Players - that's it. Have that three minute love affair on the dance floor with him then, and ONLY then. Go home alone. I know it's hard, especially if they appear to like you. Staying away from them is like PULLING TEETH for crying out loud. They are so alluring, so romantic, so "sweep you off your feet" - like that you almost feel hypnotized by these guys! But ladies, beware... if you want to avoid your heart being thrashed around, tossed, and dumped, left to dry, RUN the opposite direction!!! Don't start a relationship with him, and don't even THINK about giving your number to him.

He's a P - L - A - Y - E - R !! Spell it out. If the word "Player" comes to your mind when you first meet a guy...


Ladies, listen up. If you discover you're with a Player, 99.9999% of the time, HE WON'T CHANGE. HIS LIES WILL GET BETTER AND BETTER. He will analyze different ways of not getting caught the next time, thus improving and sharpening his Player skills every year. Don't ever think that "you're the one" he'll change for, or that "you" could make a difference. No matter how beautiful you are, or how much love you give him, or how much you cook for him, or how great of a dancer you are, he will Play you, because the thrill of multiple women is an ADDICTION for him, like gambling is for a gambler, and alcohol is for an alcoholic. Unless he finds God, I can guarantee you, he will not change. Mark my words. We ought to create a Twelve-Step program for these people. Email me if you're interested in helping set one up.

As for telling the pregnant girlfriend at home, yes, I would take your friend, and go to her directly, but only after you've confronted him first, with a friend, letting him know what you're about to do. If you're afraid to tell him you're going to tell her, then write her an anonymous letter. You can also hang up a poster in all the bathrooms in every nightclub with his name and picture, what he did, and warn every woman in the scene about him. I saw this done first-hand about four years ago in Los Angeles. I was in the stall, and couldn't believe what I was reading. Then they were in all the bathrooms... and then on the windows of every car in the parking lot. I never saw the guy again. I guess that's a GREAT way of exterminating Players!


Please Comment Below for Letters to the Editor...

PS: By the way, keep in mind, that the BEST Players will deny being Players,
and will look like completely normal, everyday guys.

Watch out... those are the WORST!


Happy Dancing!
- Edie, The Salsa FREAK!! See you in the Forums!!


Edie, The Salsa FREAK!! is one of the most recognized and respected Salsa Instructor/Performers in the world. In the past twenty years, she has traveled to 63 countries teaching the world to dance, and has been the first American to teach in 18 of those countries. She now lives in the high mountains of beautiful Colorado with her wonderful husband, Nick. You may contact her at